There's rain sometimes
And a moment when I'm certain of who I wish to be
A moment and I'm in it
And a moment as it goes
And I'm back to nothing knowing
That there's wind sometimes
And I'm alive
And I can feel it on my face
Feel the world caress my skin
And everywhere the wind has been
And everywhere I'll one day go
I wish that it would touch me more
I wish that it would let me know
For certain who I've been before
For certain who I'll be
I've been so many things before
And everyone each time was new
And now I think this moment ends
And now what should I do?
Inspiring or Discouraging?
A little man I love spending time with, someone I am extremely proud of.
it was discouraging.
I have been changing quite a lot over the past two years.
I have been changing, the world has been changing, my life has been changing, the people in it have been changing... And I am just going with it. Going with the flow. I have my old job back but I am different from when I worked there before. And there are different people there, too. I don't have the same friends. I was never good at that. Never wanted to be. I am a relentless editor. I am always editing and purging and cleansing my life and my space.
Some of these people and things I miss once in a while, but most I don't. They just sneak up on me, random memories sprung on me guerilla style after I see a green Ford Bronco like my first boyfriend drove, or a Tom Petty song a friend would make up silly words to every time it came on the radio.
I rarely think of these people, and when I do it is not with any bitterness or regret. Cutting people and things out of your life -- forever-- is a good thing.
Remember that saying that "you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most?"
Well, that has made me nervous and nauseous on more than one occasion when I've thought of it. I am going to be far more careful about who I allow in my life. Not that I wish to be judgmental or act like I am better then people. That's not the case at all.
It's that I know myself, and I over-sympathize with people and allow myself to get dragged into their drama and I ... care too much. It's not healthy. Once I have taken care of myself and what is important to me, and once I know I have people in my corner who are inspiring and uplifting, people who love me and are a positive influence in my life on a regular basis, and with whom these benefits are mutually reciprocated, then I will be in a position to help those needy drama queens that I tend to be drawn to... that I tend to enjoy being myself, occasionally.
I can't keep hanging out with people who are projects, people who just give me an ego boost because (for whatever unknown reason) they are but two degrees sadder than I am. Yes, it is good good for my ego, but not for my life, my future, my dreams.
No hanging around with people who drag you down, who have nothing but drama and problems. So yeah, I have been a little lonely lately, now that you mention it. I just eliminated a hell of a lot of people from my social circle. The one girl
I thrived on spending time around and saw as my equal (maybe two degrees happier? maybe improved my average?) has moved to another continent. Most of the unfortunate folks in my biz or satellite industry circle have too much drama, do too many drugs, drink too much, have neither goals, nor drive, nor ambition. I'm certain there are people like me who are trying, who actually give a shit. (I am thankful for the few I do know. Love you.) But I'd rather hang out with no one but myself then a bunch of people who have subconsciously given up. Or are trying for all the wrong reasons, for all the wrong things. No, it's not easy. I love all my old friends. I forgive them, and myself, for the things we may have done in the past. It is a Buddhist teaching that "everyone you meet is your teacher."
I was fortunate enough to hear that long ago and I quickly took it to heart. I believe that I can learn from everyone I meet, from every encounter, every experience.
An old friend (whom I rarely talk with now) gave me a poem one time about how "people come into your life for a reason, or a season or stay forever," (or something.) It said, "whether you are here for a reason or a season, or forever, I am telling you that I am glad you are here now." I have remembered that for while now, and I do not feel guilty for falling out of touch with certain people. I am one with the Power and Wisdom of the Universe, and the people in my life now are the people I am allowing in my life now, the people I think I need now, and vice versa-- they need me. If I am in tune with the divinity of my spirit and the divinity that lives in every other living thing, then the people in my life will be beautiful people that reflect and manifest that. It is time to move on.
It is time to face the future and become the best possible versions of ourselves. Not re-drag each other down, reminding each other of past mistakes, or making each other feel guilty for not helping each other out. A friend in need is not a friend indeed. A friend is someone you believe in, someone you invest in and you know you are getting a good return on your investment. They value you, the see the best in you and encourage you, nay, demand of you that you reach your full potential. And you are thrilled to do the same for them. Hang out with those kind of people. These are the people I want to surround myself with. And I will. I am. Here's to flying to solo for a little while...
It's never too late, you know.
Maybe you lost your way.
Maybe you overslept, caught in a world that wasn't real.
Maybe you got distracted and started thinking other things were more important.
That your dream could wait.
(It can't wait anymore.)
While you were fucking around, getting lost in the dark, wandering in the forest of apathy and fear and distraction, you let your dream slip from your fingers.
And now, you think, you noticed, it's gone. Gone forever.
It's right where you left it.
Your dream is waiting for you.
Find it. You can.
It's not too late. The sun is still high overhead, illuminating the way.
Find your dream again.
Retrace your steps. Somehow you left your path.
You were lured off it with promises of an easier route, something better, something you didn't even know you wanted.
(You didn't want it, you know now. You never needed it.)
Find your way back. Find your dream.
Pick it up, brush it off. Resolve never to lose it or set it aside again.
It's not too late. It's never too late.
You can still make all of your dreams come true.
It Thursday. And I love:
- Ansley Animal Clinic and the doctors and staff that work there. They are not only incredibly knowledgeable and talented, they are also incredibly professional and kind and caring. Everyone there is so sweet and supportive and understanding. I have cried, like every time I have been there because I want to make sure Harry is going to be okay, and they are just ... cool with it. They don't make me feel bad. They get it. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
- My son. My mouthy, adorable, obnoxious, older-soul-than-me, precious, amazing, brilliant son. Who cuts my hair when I'm not looking, scribbles on the walls, gets into my paints, and tells me, "You're a princess, mama. You're beautiful and I love you."
- Reading the Brothers Karamazov, watching old movies, painting my nails.
- Living in America, a great country. Not without her problems, but I am free to write that, and free to do a myriad of other things that, particularly as a woman, I'd be denied in too many places across the globe. Let's work together to change this. To bring freedom and peace and love to the whole entire world. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...
reading some article
a while ago called something like "Are You Too Sensitive?" It described characteristics of HSP's (HSP = Highly Sensitive Person.) I don't agree or disagree with the author of this article, but I do recall that these people, when watching commercials, or romances, or even children's movies, cry and experience the same emotional reactions/symptoms as the characters in them do. They feel personally a friend's rage or disappointment, oftentimes taking it to heart.
I know do. All the time. I thought everyone did. I thought that was the point. Then I read this dopey article.
Apparently, I am mistaken. Apparently some people feel nothing at all. They are...unaffected. They just... are. (I think these are the same people who enjoy horror movies. I'm just spitballing here...)
But, yeah, since when is "being an HSP" a fucking condition
? Something that means to be managed, remedied, or counseled out of you? I think anyone who is any kind of artist must be a damn "HSP."
I have a thin fucking skin. I admit it. If you are feeling it, if you notice it, guaranteed I am aware of it and feeling it. Times ten. That's just who I am. I notice things, I inuit them and I feel them before plenty of people know what to call them. I won't make any apologies for this. I get to feel things sooner and more deeply than most people? I guess I'll bear my cross. Callousness is not becoming on anyone. Ever.
I hope I am always naïve enough to recognize when my fellow man is hurting, or , for that matter, feeling euphoric. I will try to fix a situation most people are afraid to acknowledge even exists. I will help you realize it's ok to still think about getting raped as a child, when most people will avert your eyes. I will cry in front of you. I don't care. Life is too short. Don't be ashamed of feeling,
and of acknowledging the joy and pain of your fellow man. And remember, life imitates art (which imitates life), and art allows you to feel things you might not otherwise be able to. And yes, I am counting the movie Cars. Go ahead and live. Fully and deeply. Don't be afraid to feel everything there is to feel.
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
It's all in how you look at things, you know.
You could think, "Everyone's an asshole. All people care about are themselves. Backstabbers. You can't trust anybody."
You could think, "I can't believe they did this to me! They fucked me over and got away with it!"
You could think, "I'll never learn. I am such a fuck up. Nobody likes me and why would they? I'm such a loser."
Or you could snap out of it, and think, "I'm so grateful for this opportunity. I will use every experience (even heartbreaking, fucked-up, unfair ones) to learn and grow. The Universe knows what it's doing, and things are working together to create my best future. This is where I am on the timeline of me and my life becoming more awesome. I don't have anything to worry about. I forgive you, and I love myself unconditionally and completely."
Let's choose the last one, shall we?
Don't forget to always say please and thank you. Something small, I know, but it makes quite a difference. Don't simper, don't apologize, don't begin with, "Is it ok if...?" or "I don't want to be a bother..." and a grimace. That just plants the idea in people's heads that it might not be okay, and well, yeah, now that you mention it, it is rather a bother. Just say, "I'd like..." or "I'll have..." then "please." That's all. They'll be happy to help such a confident, polite person. And when you get what you've asked for, smile, look them in the eye, and say, "Thank you." And mean it.
I am thankful for my big strong boy and my wonderful cat.
Autumn is beautiful! Look up at the sky, take a deep breath of fresh fall air, and be grateful to be alive and healthy on such a lovely day as this.
I Remember Three Years Ago Today...
Actually this photo was taken a few days later, but, whatever, he was tiny.
I was spending my second day in the hospital because I was supposed to be HAVING A BABY. Supposed to. Sheesh.
And I finally did. It wasn't that hard, really.
Ok, it was hard. But it was all very surreal. And exhausting. But it was worth it. It'd have been worth it even if it was 1,000 harder and more painful because I have the greatest, most amazing son in the entire world.
Also if you'll recall, three years ago the Phillies were about to win the World Series.
But without further ado, Things I am Thankful for and Things I Love, Friday edition
- Cam Cam's birthday! We had chocolate chip pancakes, and new Legos, and we played at the playground, and we watched his new Cars movie, and we had steak (& chicken fingers) for dinner! According to Cam, "I had fun at all these things!"
- New Mary Kay skincare from my sister! My skin feels like a baby's butt! I love this stuff.
- I have more than one good job that allows me to buy nice things for my son, my family, and myself. Like this shirt.
- The fact that I am not drinking for a month. For some people, that's nothing, for others it's a big deal. I was a little afraid I'd be in the latter category, but as it turns out, I'm not. Almost two weeks and I don't even miss it. How refreshing.
- My new journal! I am a crazy writing fool. Moleskine notebooks are the best. I feel very... legit writing in them, like Ernest Hemingway, and not like Kevin Spacey's character in Seven.
- Readin' on through the Harry Potters... Halfway through the Order of the Phoenix. Have to say, reading them all in a row this quickly, I totally noticed how teen angsty they are in this one.
- Also, I'm watching Cheers on Netflix occasionally. What a great show. Also I want to own my own bar, bad.
- Pomegranate juice, Greek yogurt, strawberries, cappucino fudge blitz ice cream.
- Also, so you know how I have game night sometimes? Where I cook dinner and then we all play Pictionary, Taboo, cards, whatever? Well, I'm thinking of getting a chess set. Is there no return from the Land of Nerd if I do this though? What if I get this chess set?
On that note, since you may or may not have grasped the full depth and breadth of my nerditude until now, fuck the haters. Be yourself.
Peace and love and may the force be with you.
... and be a Sexy Witch ...
"It's a rainy night in Georgia/ I feel like it's raining all over the world..."
"Nobody ever mentions the weather can make or break your day..."
"The sky is crying..."
"A winter's day-- in a deep and dark December..."
"Have you ever see the rain comin' down on a sunny day?"Everybody writes about the weather
because we all feel the effects of the weather, consciously or unconsciously. It affects you, for better or worse, weather (yes, I just did that) you want it to or not. Oasis was right, it can make or break your day. But only if you let it. Only if you resist it. Take it from someone who has self-diagnosed herself with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), the weather can make you happy, or miserable.
Until now. I've realized that the weather can only affect you if you let it. If you resist it. When it rains, just go with it. Don't try to straighten your hair, and just chill out. Watch a Cheers marathon, make some soup, write a few letters to your grandmas and aunts. The earth is being nourished. Just relax about it.
Winter time, the long dark hours, the cold, the fog , the wind, the snow, these are all just as natural and important to the Earth as hot summer days are. They are part of the circle of life, part of the flow. When you resist the natural state of the Earth, that's when you become miserable.
Here are some ideas that I fully intend to implement to keep me in tune with Mother Nature and remain positive throughout the dreary months:
- Still get plenty of sun and fresh air. Go for walks, even short ones. Just bundle up in a cute new scarf and walk around the block. Play on the playground with your kid for half an hour. Crack the window in your bedroom while you're sleeping. And exercise a little, too, in the form of sledding, or lots of sex.
- Eat the foods that are in season where you live. You can't live on lemon water and salad like you could in the summer. Make potato soup (I have a great and easy recipe if you want it), eat a hearty breakfast with eggs and turkey bacon and biscuits; eat sweet potato fries, pretty much all root vegetables, oatmeal, beef stew, pumpkins, hot apple cider, breads, meats, stuff like that. Keep your fire burning on the inside.
- On the same note, take care of yourself. Remember to take your vitamins, get plenty of sleep, and eat healthy. Don't order pizza every night, don't drink too much alcohol, and just take it easy. Drink lots of hot tea.
- Take a cue from nature. The trees are going to be leafless, not straining to produce more fruit. The bears are hibernating, the birds have migrated. You do the same. Rest, reflect, plan for the spring. Don't start a new diet and try to redecorate your whole apartment. Rest. "To everything there is a season." Store up and take stock in fall, rest and plan in winter.
- Think of all the good things about the colder months: First, who has a birthday? And... Halloween is always fun. (You MUST have a pumpkin carving party...) Thanksgiving is awesome (my mom is the best cook EVER), and Christmas gets the fam back together from the four points of the earth. I feel lucky because we usually do our family Christmas not exactly on Christmas day so it's like we get an extra holiday around, oh, January 11th or something. Holiday food and drink and family and happiness is something be appreciated. Don't listen to the cynics who say the holidays are nothing but a commercial farce. They doesn't have to be if you don't let them. Be truly thankful and grateful on Thanksgiving. Honor the dead and the wheel of life on Halloween. Give homemade, meaningful presents on Christmas to the ones you love, not last-minute crap to people to whom you feel obligated. As the New Year begins, appreciate how you've learned and grown in the past year.
- Think of all the other fun things about the cooler seasons: the fashion (tights! hats! gloves! scarves! boots! long drapey black cashmere sweaters!), the snow, the romantic Christmas movies, hot chocolate, hay rides, Christmas lights, Christmas carols, candy and costumes, football (if you're into that sort of thing), turkey and cranberry sauce and homemade apple-sausage stuffing, visits from long-lost cousins, snuggling with the one you love...
Autumn and winter don't mean death. They mean rest.
Sleep. They mean take it easy, take stock of the past year and plan for the next one. You, and everything else in nature, need a time to be still. Make a list of what you've learned and accomplished in the past year, and what you want to do in the next one. You are only SAD if you are resisting the natural rhythms of the earth.
Don't resist the flow. Don't resist the circle of life. And don't eat too much candy because it will make your skin break out.
Peace and love and Halloween witches, bitches.
Should I be a sexy witch for Halloween? Oh wait, I already am...
When you are not trying to impress anyone, when you are just enjoying yourself, that is when you are your most beautiful self.
It is important, then, to share your hobbies and personal interests with your significant other. To purposefully include them. Show him/her your most natural beauty. When you are happy. Something that you enjoy whether or not you are with that person. (I'm not talking about invading your privacy; everyone needs quiet, alone time...) But to express to him/her how happy baseball/making gumbo/riding horses/Aqua Teen Hunger Force makes you. He or she does not have to be omnipresent concerning your involvement in "it" (Aqua Teen, whatever...) But he should support you in it, and accompany you during the important parts of it.
It is of likewise importance to try and express some sort of enthusiasm for the activities in which your partner takes pleasure. No one is saying for you to be a fake or anything, but you ought indeed to be happy, flattered, and giddy that he/she is sharing something of himself with you. Something so personal. Something that gives him a joy that you do and can not. Just try to see what it is about "it" that he likes so much.
Choose and treasure the things that give you pleasure on your own. Share them with the people whom you believe would enjoy seeing you at your most beautiful. Enjoy the pleasure of the company of the one you love. And enjoy yourself.
I went camping yesterday.
I haven't been camping
since, like, 2004 when I went with a boyfriend of mine and, well, let's just say when we finally came out of our tent someone had littered our campsite with religious tracts. True story.Anyway,
this time I went with Cam Cam and the Thrifty Drifter
herself, Amy. We brought stew supplies and wine and magazines and she even let me bring two pillows. I had cute pink sneakers and Publix sandwiches and I was ready to rock.
See, and then what happened was -- OK. I confess.
Yes, I am a bit of a witchy, hippie, tree-hugging, sun-and-moon-worshipping flowerchild. I am. But I also like high heels and hot showers and I sleep with seven pillows. My nails are literally always painted. I wear mascara to run to the drugstore at 11 pm. My lipstick costs more than my pants. (Whatever that means.) I hug the trees in the city park
. I talk to the flowers in people's gardens and at state universities and around various medical facilities. I take naps out on the lawn. I swim in the neighborhood pool and I vacation at the beach so I can feel the sand on my skin and wind in my hair, the sun warming my heart and the salty sweet green ocean washing away my cares. I enjoy Mother Nature flooding my body with her beautiful energy.
I don't camp.
I live in the city. Sue me.BUT.
I loved it. I had a lovely time with my son and my best girlfriend, and I would go again in a heartbeat. IF IT WOULDN'T RAIN TORRENTIALLY THE ENTIRE TIME. Today's lesson: try something new.
You might love it, you might hate it. But you will have had an experience, learned something, lived with a little more fervor.That is, if the bears don't eat you while you're sleeping.
That is all. Enjoy these photos. Respect, love, and enjoy Mother Nature. Hug a tree, pet a flower, kiss a cactus. Love you.
It's like Ferngully.
Amy and Cam Cam. If you ever go camping, bring one of those lamps.
You can TRY to make a tastier campfire stew. Good luck with that, though...
See I don't make this shit up.