There's rain sometimes
And a moment when I'm certain of who I wish to be
A moment and I'm in it
And a moment as it goes
And I'm back to nothing knowing
That there's wind sometimes
And I'm alive
And I can feel it on my face
Feel the world caress my skin
And everywhere the wind has been
And everywhere I'll one day go
I wish that it would touch me more
I wish that it would let me know
For certain who I've been before
For certain who I'll be
I've been so many things before
And everyone each time was new
And now I think this moment ends
And now what should I do?
Inspiring or Discouraging?
A little man I love spending time with, someone I am extremely proud of.
it was discouraging.
I have been changing quite a lot over the past two years.
I have been changing, the world has been changing, my life has been changing, the people in it have been changing... And I am just going with it. Going with the flow. I have my old job back but I am different from when I worked there before. And there are different people there, too. I don't have the same friends. I was never good at that. Never wanted to be. I am a relentless editor. I am always editing and purging and cleansing my life and my space.
Some of these people and things I miss once in a while, but most I don't. They just sneak up on me, random memories sprung on me guerilla style after I see a green Ford Bronco like my first boyfriend drove, or a Tom Petty song a friend would make up silly words to every time it came on the radio.
I rarely think of these people, and when I do it is not with any bitterness or regret. Cutting people and things out of your life -- forever-- is a good thing.
Remember that saying that "you are the average of the five people you hang out with the most?"
Well, that has made me nervous and nauseous on more than one occasion when I've thought of it. I am going to be far more careful about who I allow in my life. Not that I wish to be judgmental or act like I am better then people. That's not the case at all.
It's that I know myself, and I over-sympathize with people and allow myself to get dragged into their drama and I ... care too much. It's not healthy. Once I have taken care of myself and what is important to me, and once I know I have people in my corner who are inspiring and uplifting, people who love me and are a positive influence in my life on a regular basis, and with whom these benefits are mutually reciprocated, then I will be in a position to help those needy drama queens that I tend to be drawn to... that I tend to enjoy being myself, occasionally.
I can't keep hanging out with people who are projects, people who just give me an ego boost because (for whatever unknown reason) they are but two degrees sadder than I am. Yes, it is good good for my ego, but not for my life, my future, my dreams.
No hanging around with people who drag you down, who have nothing but drama and problems. So yeah, I have been a little lonely lately, now that you mention it. I just eliminated a hell of a lot of people from my social circle. The one girl
I thrived on spending time around and saw as my equal (maybe two degrees happier? maybe improved my average?) has moved to another continent. Most of the unfortunate folks in my biz or satellite industry circle have too much drama, do too many drugs, drink too much, have neither goals, nor drive, nor ambition. I'm certain there are people like me who are trying, who actually give a shit. (I am thankful for the few I do know. Love you.) But I'd rather hang out with no one but myself then a bunch of people who have subconsciously given up. Or are trying for all the wrong reasons, for all the wrong things. No, it's not easy. I love all my old friends. I forgive them, and myself, for the things we may have done in the past. It is a Buddhist teaching that "everyone you meet is your teacher."
I was fortunate enough to hear that long ago and I quickly took it to heart. I believe that I can learn from everyone I meet, from every encounter, every experience.
An old friend (whom I rarely talk with now) gave me a poem one time about how "people come into your life for a reason, or a season or stay forever," (or something.) It said, "whether you are here for a reason or a season, or forever, I am telling you that I am glad you are here now." I have remembered that for while now, and I do not feel guilty for falling out of touch with certain people. I am one with the Power and Wisdom of the Universe, and the people in my life now are the people I am allowing in my life now, the people I think I need now, and vice versa-- they need me. If I am in tune with the divinity of my spirit and the divinity that lives in every other living thing, then the people in my life will be beautiful people that reflect and manifest that. It is time to move on.
It is time to face the future and become the best possible versions of ourselves. Not re-drag each other down, reminding each other of past mistakes, or making each other feel guilty for not helping each other out. A friend in need is not a friend indeed. A friend is someone you believe in, someone you invest in and you know you are getting a good return on your investment. They value you, the see the best in you and encourage you, nay, demand of you that you reach your full potential. And you are thrilled to do the same for them. Hang out with those kind of people. These are the people I want to surround myself with. And I will. I am. Here's to flying to solo for a little while...
"What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find one ...
and my bladder explodes?"
I was talking to this guy the other day, and I said I'd like to take a week or two and go on vacation this summer to Costa Rica. I've never been.
He looked like I suggested moving to Jupiter or something.
"A two-week vacation?" He asked, horrified.
"Yeah. Is that so crazy?"
He scoffed. He made the noise of one scoffing. "Wouldn't that be nice."
"You don't have two weeks of vacation time at your job?"
"Well, yeah, but... I mean, I use them for other stuff."
"Well then that's your own damn fault."
It is mandatory.
Take one, people.
It is unbelievably easy to get sucked into your job, to make it your life. But you are not your job. I feel like here in a America "what you do" defines you as a person. It's not necessarily like that elsewhere (like France, where you get five weeks of vacation a year.) Your job is how you make money. It is not your life. It is not who you are.
You need a vacation to rest and just be yourself.
In the meantime, every day try to give yourself a mini vacation. Get some fresh air, paint your nails, play basketball, drop $75 on lunch. Something to remind you how sweet and cool life is, and that your job is not the be-all, end-all of the entire universe.
I can't exactly afford a trip to Costa Rica tomorrow, but I can always take a vacation from my problems.
"Don't take it personally."
People say this, usually after they have said or done something totally asshole-ish and rude, and frankly, you're upset.
But actually, they're kind of right.
You want to be an asshole? Fine. But it ain't got shit to do with me.
I used to take EVERYTHING personally. Like it was my job to make everyone feel good, like if they weren't happy around me or didn't like me then maybe I was doing something wrong. And I should change something. I should change myself.
You can't control how others feel. If you could, you'd be God. Or Hitler. Or some other master manipulator.
What you can do is choose to feel good about yourself. All the time.
If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
Be the best you you can be. Enjoy yourself.
Be the one who has her shit together.
If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
You've only got your life. Your self. The only thing that is for sure and for real and that you can control: You.
Don't take it personally when someone gives you shit. If someone says something trollish to try and undermine your happiness. Just laugh it off. Twist it into a positive. Make them think about what they just said to you.
If they don't like it, fuck 'em.
Let them go fuck with somebody else's head. Because you're confident in who you are and nothing anyone else can say will change that.
Go get 'em tiger.
Say it with me: I love myself. I love the good things and the bad things and the superficial things and things only I know about myself. I love my quirks and my insecurities, my accomplishments and the things I've learned from my failures. I know I'll never ever give up. I know I get sidetracked and distracted I know my willpower and self discipline are usually somewhere in between non-existent and barely-there. But hey, I’m working on that.
Maybe I'm not perfect. But I am me. I'm like Tigger. The only one. And that's something to celebrate.
Especially on VALENTINE’S DAY! The day of LOVE!
On Valentine's Day, I shut my phone off, drank lots of coffee, and cleaned the hell out of my apartment. I cleaned EVERYTHING. Everything I touched, if it didn't excite me, I got rid of it. I noticed the energies of everything I was letting into my life.
The closets in particular. In feng shui, your closets represent what you keep hidden, what you are ashamed of, what you are holding on to, who your really are, what you are afraid of, what you present to the world, your private relationships, how you relate to other people, your ego.
Think about it. Closets are really important. If you want to let cool people into your life, are you afraid to let them see your closet?
Think about it. Celebrities have huge closets full of gorgeous sparkling clothes and shoes that they know they are going to be photographed in. Yours should be the same. You think Madonna's kids have broken dressers in their closets? You think Leonardo Dicaprio has an old TV in his closet? Does Paris Hilton have a bunch of shitty clothes that don’t fit and shoes she hates? Hell no. The closet represents the ego and the part of yourself that you present to the world. Do you have secrets? Are you ashamed of anything? If you met the love of your life (or just a really awesome person you wanted to be your friend) would you be ashamed to let them see your closet? If the answer is yes, you have some work to do.
Get crackin’, kid. Get cleanin’. Be ruthless. Throw out anything old or broken or useless. Any clothes you don't want to be photographed in. Anything you don’t LOVE wearing. Throw out old pictures and love letters. Have space for memories, sure, and your suitcase, duh. But your closet should be as open to everyone you allow in your home/life as any other room in your house. You don't have to give them a tour, but if you die, don't you want your closet to reflect your best self?
Your closet, like everything else in your house and car and life, should reflect your best self and be a manifestation of the awesome person you are striving to be everyday.
When it comes to other people...
You can have your experiences and draw your conclusions, form your hypotheses. You can attempt to predict future outcomes based on prior experiments.
But you have to allow for being human.
Which means, actually, that you can't do any of those things.
You can think you've got it all figured out. You've seen it all before.
But the endless combinations of human emotion and experiences, environment, nature, and the wisdom of the Universe will always always be able to show you something new.
If you are open to it. If you don't stubbornly cling to the scientific method to make sense of your surroundings. To make sense of other people.
People can say and do some dumb shit. This doesn't mean you are better than them. This doesn't make them unworthy of love. This doesn't make you unworthy of love.
What is more important is the direction they are heading.
Prove them wrong. Be the exception, the outlier to the rules and formulas and statistics they have painstakingly figured out for themselves.
People aren't perfect. But people are good.
We are all doing the best we can with what we have been given, with the experiences we have had. People aren't simply "dumb" or "smart." They are people with beating hearts and active minds, and they, just like you, want only to be happy.
Try to help them. Help them find their own way. Which may or may not be the same as yours.
The world doesn't need more people pointing out how dumb and wrong and broken and hurt other people are. The world needs more love.
It's never too late, you know.
Maybe you lost your way.
Maybe you overslept, caught in a world that wasn't real.
Maybe you got distracted and started thinking other things were more important.
That your dream could wait.
(It can't wait anymore.)
While you were fucking around, getting lost in the dark, wandering in the forest of apathy and fear and distraction, you let your dream slip from your fingers.
And now, you think, you noticed, it's gone. Gone forever.
It's right where you left it.
Your dream is waiting for you.
Find it. You can.
It's not too late. The sun is still high overhead, illuminating the way.
Find your dream again.
Retrace your steps. Somehow you left your path.
You were lured off it with promises of an easier route, something better, something you didn't even know you wanted.
(You didn't want it, you know now. You never needed it.)
Find your way back. Find your dream.
Pick it up, brush it off. Resolve never to lose it or set it aside again.
It's not too late. It's never too late.
You can still make all of your dreams come true.
It Thursday. And I love:
- Ansley Animal Clinic and the doctors and staff that work there. They are not only incredibly knowledgeable and talented, they are also incredibly professional and kind and caring. Everyone there is so sweet and supportive and understanding. I have cried, like every time I have been there because I want to make sure Harry is going to be okay, and they are just ... cool with it. They don't make me feel bad. They get it. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
- My son. My mouthy, adorable, obnoxious, older-soul-than-me, precious, amazing, brilliant son. Who cuts my hair when I'm not looking, scribbles on the walls, gets into my paints, and tells me, "You're a princess, mama. You're beautiful and I love you."
- Reading the Brothers Karamazov, watching old movies, painting my nails.
- Living in America, a great country. Not without her problems, but I am free to write that, and free to do a myriad of other things that, particularly as a woman, I'd be denied in too many places across the globe. Let's work together to change this. To bring freedom and peace and love to the whole entire world. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one...
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
It's all in how you look at things, you know.
You could think, "Everyone's an asshole. All people care about are themselves. Backstabbers. You can't trust anybody."
You could think, "I can't believe they did this to me! They fucked me over and got away with it!"
You could think, "I'll never learn. I am such a fuck up. Nobody likes me and why would they? I'm such a loser."
Or you could snap out of it, and think, "I'm so grateful for this opportunity. I will use every experience (even heartbreaking, fucked-up, unfair ones) to learn and grow. The Universe knows what it's doing, and things are working together to create my best future. This is where I am on the timeline of me and my life becoming more awesome. I don't have anything to worry about. I forgive you, and I love myself unconditionally and completely."
Let's choose the last one, shall we?
Don't forget to always say please and thank you. Something small, I know, but it makes quite a difference. Don't simper, don't apologize, don't begin with, "Is it ok if...?" or "I don't want to be a bother..." and a grimace. That just plants the idea in people's heads that it might not be okay, and well, yeah, now that you mention it, it is rather a bother. Just say, "I'd like..." or "I'll have..." then "please." That's all. They'll be happy to help such a confident, polite person. And when you get what you've asked for, smile, look them in the eye, and say, "Thank you." And mean it.
I am thankful for my big strong boy and my wonderful cat.
Autumn is beautiful! Look up at the sky, take a deep breath of fresh fall air, and be grateful to be alive and healthy on such a lovely day as this.